How to Stop Excusing Your Flaws and Start to Grow
I was in a coaching session with a CEO, who explained to me how she “just wasn’t good at remembering names.” This launched a conversation about how Shelly couldn’t do this or that or several other things well and that her career would be limited. Along with her memory challenges, Shelly said things like:
“I don’t have a creative bone in my body.”
“I’m such a klutz.”
“I have no artistic ability.”
“I’m just not good at numbers.”
Let’s face it. We all find it natural and even convenient to blame genes for our shortcomings. Unfortunately for us, both scientists and psychologists have chipped away at these excuses with recent findings that reveal so much of our growth is in our control.
First, Stanford research psychologist Carol Dweck reminds us that people tend to develop either a “fixed mindset” or a “growth mindset.” Shelly’s mind was fixed: “I’m not good at recalling names” or, “I’m just not good at numbers.” It’s who I am. I can’t change. A “growth mindset,” as we’ve learned, believes our brain works like a muscle that grows with proper exercise. In fact, Carol Dweck told me in a phone conversation that her favorite word was, “yet.” It is completely fair to say: “I’m just not good at remembering names…yet. I am growing.”
There is no doubt genetics can give us a predisposition toward certain strengths or weaknesses. Most of the time, however, it is both nature and nurture that shape us. We may have a mom or dad who were clumsy around the house, and we grew up acting clumsy too. We have their DNA, and we observed their behavior for years. The good news is—we can break out of almost any mold we choose, if we take certain steps. Let’s return to the subject of math for a moment. While your DNA can play a measurable role in how you learn, genetics are much more about general learning ability than your knack for mastering subjects.
So, what are some steps we can take to grow instead of excusing our behavior?
Adjust your mental ruts.
Listen to your self-talk. What do you find yourself thinking and saying to yourself? Most of us fall into the trap of negative self-talk, saying things like, “I’m just not creative,” and failing to use the word, “yet.” Our routines form our ruts. Try some new routines that force you to think differently and act differently. Our neural pathways can change with hard work. It’s a choice.
Repeat what you desire.
I remember wanting to become a better writer. Occasionally, I would write a piece that was fresh, and helpful to others. I loved how it felt. At some point, I chose to write daily. Many days, I only have a few extra minutes to do so, but I try to write every day. I even have a “writing day” each week now. When I compare my past books or articles to my work now—I see improvement.
Learn enough to become interested.
Our brains are capable of far more than we assume. Often, our problem is not IQ, it is interest. We’re just not interested in math, or Spanish, or remembering someone’s name. Find a reason to get curious. I’ve learned to enjoy dancing because my wife enjoys dancing. I’ve become better at learning names as I chose to become interested in those people. It’s a game-changer.
Choose to do the work.
Behavioral scientists use the terms, “learned helplessness” and “learned industriousness.” They find that people give up on a task more quickly when they see no change and believe it makes no difference. Conversely, we keep trying when we see the slightest improvement. Take on a new task and work on it until you see progress. This will trigger endorphins that motivate you.
Confucius said: “He who thinks he can, and he who thinks he can’t, are both usually right.”