Five Experiences We Must Offer to the Next Generation
I once read about a father, Paul Wallich, who built a camera-mounted drone helicopter to follow his young son to the bus stop. He wanted to ensure his son arrived at the bus stop safe and sound. There is no doubt that gizmo provided some entertainment for everyone, but for me, Paul Wallich gives new meaning to “helicopter parent.”
Today, I not only see a new generation of kids on our hands, I see a new generation of parents as well. While I applaud the engagement of these moms and dads, we’ve focused so much on safety, self-esteem, and status that our children can grow into adulthood unready for the hard knocks of life. Too often:
We risk too little.
We rescue too quickly.
We rave too easily.
We reward too frequently.
Over time, we fail to offer the rites of passage that former generations gave their kids. I decided to do it differently.
Since 1979, I’ve been committed to mentoring emerging leaders—both students and young professionals. I became a father in 1988 and now have two adult children. Over time, I identified the experiences that are the most meaningful to my mentees, the experiences that mature Generation Z kids need to build grit and depth. Collectively, they serve as “rites of passage.” I invite you to consider inserting these experiences into your own investment in your kids.
Experiences That Foster Maturity
1. Do something scary.
There is something about stepping out of our comfort zones to attempt a risky and unfamiliar act, one that’s even a little frightening, that makes us come alive. Our senses are heightened when we feel we are taking a risk; we don’t know what we’re doing; we must trust and even rely on each other. Ideally, these initiatives are intentional and well planned, but they should not be scripted. They must include the element of chance. As a mentor, I’ve taken my mentees downtown to spend the night with homeless people. Those students were wide-eyed as we interacted with an entirely different population of people and slept on trash bags with newspapers as a blanket. A small dose of “danger,” mixed with a large dose of “unfamiliar,” accelerates growth.
When my son was 12, he and I took a father and son trip to another city. We explored some new places, but the scariest part of the four-day trip was when I traded places with him in our car and had him drive it around a parking lot. After explaining the gears and pedals, Jonathan overcame his panic and drove that big automobile. Soon, he was grinning from ear to ear. This sparked a remarkable conversation, as we compared his fear to what he’ll experience becoming a man. Manhood is not for the fainthearted. It’s about responsibility, being “drivers” not “passengers” in life.
Facing fears is a rite of passage for kids. Doing something that’s neither prescribed nor guaranteed unleashes adrenaline and other chemicals in our bodies that awaken us. Other "feel good” chemicals also come into play with scary experiences, including dopamine, endorphins, serotonin and oxytocin. Part of the reason more teens don’t “come alive” is we’ve protected them from “high stakes” in the name of safety. As fathers, mothers, coaches, teachers, and leaders, it’s imperative we take ownership of the influence we’ve been given to the children and youth in our lives. We must take initiative in their growth and development, especially when it comes to conquering their fears and overcoming both the physical and mental obstacles they’ll face.
2. Meet someone influential.
Another challenge I believe that fosters growth is meeting someone they deem significant. Because Gen Z is less at home meeting adults face to face, the encounter itself stretches them. Additionally, meeting influential people invites them to prepare questions to ask and fosters listening skills as well. These can be famous people, but they don’t have to be. The key is they’re people the students believe are important due to what they’ve accomplished. Years ago, I was invited to participate in a special meeting in Washington, D.C. when my daughter, Bethany, was just nine years old. Since I would be meeting congressmen, ambassadors and other civic leaders—I wanted her to experience it with me. Encountering noteworthy people can be intimidating, even to adults. It was fun to introduce her to them and witness her interacting with them and eventually feeling quite at home.
For the first 20 years of my career, I worked for best-selling author John C. Maxwell. My kids were fortunate to build a relationship with John and his wife, Margaret. Interacting with the Maxwells enabled them to overcome social fears and see noteworthy people as “human.” Today, my kids are not star-struck with celebrities and are comfortable interfacing with folks of all ages.
An easy place to start is meeting local leaders and people of influence in your own community. If your son or daughter is interested in politics, start with meeting the mayor to learn about issues facing the community. Athletes are often heroes for youth; a meeting with local college coaches or players can be equally motivating and inspiring.
3. Travel someplace different.
We all know that travel is an education in and of itself. While classrooms are useful learning contexts, leaving the classroom and what is familiar is better still. Not only does travel push kids out of their comfort zones, it also forces them to work at understanding others, at connecting with new environments, and at problem-solving, since those new contexts are places we cannot default to our subconscious. Consider this: when we’re in familiar situations, we can shift into “cruise control.” We can become numb to reality since we’re on our home turf. This doesn’t occur in a foreign location. Mission trips stir our curiosity, beg us to research, beckon us to learn and invite us to grow up. We think new thoughts in new places. My friend Glen Jackson says, “A change of pace plus a change of place equals a change of perspective.”
One of my favorite memories was taking my 5-year-old daughter, Bethany, to Croatia during the Bosnian War,in 1993. My goal was to enable her to be comfortable in environments that were both foreign and suffering. Bethany helped to serve clothes, food and blankets to refugees who relocated to the area. She saw poverty she’d never seen before and experienced the joy of providing for the needs of those who were displaced and struggling. It was life-changing for her.
4. Chase a meaningful goal.
I believe teens need permission and full control to pursue an objective that has high stakes. Past generations matured more effectively because they were given responsibility for jobs and goals that had genuine meaning at a young age. When we lower the stakes, or give kids an artificial purpose to engage in—they end up with artificial maturity. While I believe in the value of academics, it’s still a facsimile of a meaningful world, created by our current, contemporary structures. I meet too many students who master the skill of getting a good grade, yet struggle to translate those grades into a career, to a marriage, and to a family. Information is meaningful as it becomes application.
Consider this fact. A century ago, 4-year-olds were doing age-appropriate chores around the house. By age 7, they were helping with the work on the farm. By 9, they often led one of those tasks on the farm. At age 14,they were driving cars. 17-year-olds were trying to sign up for the army to fight in World War I. 19-year-olds were getting married and beginning a family. Autonomy came more quickly. I am not suggesting we must return to this pattern—but I am suggesting kids are capable of doing so much more than posting on TikTok or Instagram.
When I speak of chasing a big goal, I mean aiming for a target that has deep meaning to your child, one that stretches their capacity and is important. As a teen, my son told us he wanted to pursue a career in the entertainment industry. After much discussion, my wife and I decided to let Jonathan step out at 16 years old. As a homeschooler, he had more freedom with his time. He and his mom moved from Atlanta to Los Angeles for seven months to try his hand at acting. At the time, it was a sacrifice for us as his parents, but a meaningful pursuit for him, so we found a way to make it work for everyone. The experience was revealing, as you can imagine. Life in Burbank in an apartment with hundreds of other kid actors revealed that highly competitive world. He soon recognized that the real influencers are the storytellers behind the camera. The saying, “things aren’t always what they seem,” rang true as he experienced first-hand some key realities of the industry. Returning home, Jonathan was a different person—more clear about his calling. He earned a degree in screenwriting and now writes scripts every week.
5. Wait and work for something you want.
One reason teens and college students find “adulting” so challenging today is they’ve grown up in a world where almost everything is “instant access” and “on-demand.” It coerces us to expect instant gratification. The opposite of this trait is patience and work ethic. These traits signal maturity because the person can see a goal in their mind that is still invisible externally.
Consider what’s happening in their brain. When a teen envisions an outcome before they actually experience it, it can cause the brain to release dopamine and endorphins, which signal pleasure and reward. As teens experience learned industriousness (“I keep working because I know it will pay off”), acetylcholine kicks in. This chemical plays a vital role in learning and memory, and it deepens neural pathways as kids associate rewards with working toward a goal. In our home, our kids both worked in high school, paid for part of their first car, half of their smartphone and often half of a trip they each wanted to take during their school years. Our leadership style, as parents, shifted from supervisor to consultant as they matured.
My friend David has a son named Nick, who’s about the same age as our son. When Nick was 12-years old, he and his dad walked into an Apple Store and spotted a brand-new model of an iPod. (You may recall those were once the gadgets we used to listen to our music). There was only one left in the store, and Nick wanted it desperately. David told me he wanted to buy it for Nick, but he also knew Nick would learn nothing from that experience except to feel entitled to things like that. So, David asked Nick, “Son, how much money do you have?” Nick replied he had no money. That’s when David devised a plan. He told his son, “Nick, I will go ahead and buy this iPod and secure it so no one else will have it. But it will be mine, and I’ll plan to store it high in my closet. You can do chores to earn money, and when you make enough payments to cover the cost, it will be yours.” It took months, but Nick performed chores and eventually paid for that iPod. David told me later, “I have never seen a more grateful kid than I did when I handed that iPod to my son after he had labored for it over time.”
Payoff Time
My favorite outcome from all these experiences with our kids came years later. My 25-year-old daughter, Bethany, called me from Albuquerque. She was living and working 2,000 miles away. When I asked why she called, she replied, “I guess I just called to say thanks.”
I said, “Well, every dad loves to hear that from his children—but what drove you to call me now? Did something happen at work today?”
After collecting her thoughts, she blurted out, “I guess I just noticed that I work with a bunch of young professionals like me, but nobody sees the big picture around here. They act lazy, they’re on their phones, and I don’t see any work ethic. They’re not ready to live on their own!” Then, she paused and concluded, “I guess I just realized that you and Mom did get me ready. And I just wanted to say thanks.”
Through tears, I smiled and replied, “Bethany—you just made my year.”
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