The Danger of Not Knowing Who You Really Are
During my freshman year of college, I did something that has come back to bless me many times over the course of my life. That year, I was choosing a major and minor for my degree. I was being pulled in several directions by campus activities and had several classmates with big personalities in my dorm. It would have been easy for me to let those external pressures get to me and to make poor decisions for the wrong reasons.
That year, I created a diagram of myself. It was a silhouette and in it I scribbled descriptions of who I knew I was and what I possessed—my gifts, passions, traits, talents, style, and personality. I strove to be honest, unpretentious about who I was as I jotted down those attributes. Then, every morning I posted that diagram on my bathroom mirror, and I’d review it, rehearsing out loud the traits I saw inside me.
During my sophomore year—I took this exercise a step further. I took a day and jotted down my personal purpose statement and I listed the values I wanted to live by. Those lists have served as a sort of compass for me ever since. While I’ve tweaked them a bit over the years, I still have that statement and those values to this day.
Why This Was a Game Changer
As I look back, this simple exercise 45 years ago transformed the trajectory of my life. The reason for its significance was summarized brilliantly by psychologist Carl Jung:
|
❝The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.❞ |
I think that statement is truer now than ever. Society can push you into a mold if you’re not clear on who you are or the ideals you embrace. As people bombard us with expectations, opinions, and societal norms, it’s challenging to stay true to ourselves. Jung's words serve as a reminder that if we don't actively seek to understand who we are, we might end up letting external forces define us. We’ll be dependent on our culture’s answer to the question. The default path will be a disappointment and can be a nightmare.
The Four Images We Carry
Whether we know it or not, each of us carry around four images of ourselves. Each image sways us to act differently in different circumstances. The first is how others perceive us; second is the image we project to others; third, is the image we have of ourselves, and finally, there is the true image of who we are. It works like concentric circles and can be extra baggage. We will vacillate until we peel back the false images.
It is wise for each of us to ask ourselves: which of these four images consumes most of our time? How do you deal with feelings of inadequacy? How do you compensate for your insecurities? All of us create some system for dealing with them; some are healthy and some are not. Until we address our identity, we can be slaves to the perceptions of others.
Imagine an empty bag, positioned on top of a picnic table in the park. If the weather’s calm, the bag remains in position. But the moment a breeze blows, or a storm sweeps through, that bag blows away. If that bag is filled with sand, however, it’s a different story. The sand holds the bag secure. This is a picture of a person who’s clear on who they are. Possessing clear values and a sense of identity prevents harsh conditions from moving them. John Maxwell and I were discussing this, and he said something profound: “The more you’re clear on your values, the less you need validation from others. If you’re not clear, you seek validation everywhere—on social media, in conversation, meetings, parties, you name it. Insecure people seek security. Secure people offer security.
My little exercise in that university dorm has saved me several times over the decades. It’s kept me from compromising on my ethics, it’s enabled me to hold to my commitments, it’s empowered me to walk away from temptations and to stay the course when I want to quit. Most of all, it’s helped me make big decisions. As Roy Disney said, “It’s not hard to make decisions, when you know what your values are.”
Once again, Carl Jung’s words ring true:
|
❝I am not what has happened to me, I am what I choose to become. The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.❞ |
My new book releases this November.
You can pre-order it now ⤵︎
The Future Begins with Z:
Nine Strategies to Lead Generation Z as They Disrupt the Workplace.
Release date: November 4
Subscribe to future articles from Tim.
Book Tim for an event.